This is the filthiest gallery we’ve ever published
Let’s say, for purposes of discussion, that Kristof Ramon was at a few cyclocross races over the past couple of weeks and took a bunch of pictures.
Now, let’s imagine that they were REALLY dirty. Just filthy. Slop everywhere. Belgian mud splattered about like a Jackson Pollock.
When a bike race looks like that one scene from Slumdog Millionaire where the kid falls into a drop toilet, there’s not enough Napisan in the world to save your skinsuit.
On these particular sloppy ‘cross days – at Herendals, at Dendermonde, at Baal – there were winners and there were losers. And at an individual level, sure – it probably mattered a bit to Mathieu van der Poel or Wout van Aert that they picked up their gazillionth race wins, or that Lucinda Brand continued her season dominance.
For the purposes of this entirely hypothetical discussion, though, the results aren’t important. Not for this gallery.
So: imagine that you, hypothetically, had a bunch of gratuitously filthy CX photos and a platform to publish them on. What would you do?
I think you’d just want to showcase picture after picture of sloppy puddles shredded to ribbons by 33 mm tubular knives, of mud arcing in little flumes into arses and faces. You’d want to publish the pictures where you can’t tell who’s who, where the outcome of the race is secondary to the setting. All squelch, no story.
Wouldn’t you want that gallery?
I think you probably would.
Ceylin del Carmen Alvarado runs up a slippery slope at the X2O Herentals Cross 2020 … … before the course threads through the forest. A fraction of the traction. Alice Maria Arzuffi (777) and Puck Pieterse (Alpecin-Fenix) plowing through the mud in Herentals. Mathieu Van der Poel inflicts untold damage on his world champion’s skinsuit. Wout van Aert checks his notifications. This has heavy ‘oh shit I can’t stop, my wheels are locked up and I’m not slowing down ohmygodohmygodohmygod’ vibes. Eli Iserbyt (right of frame) and a banner for Soudal Silicone (left). Wout van Aert kept it clean (metaphotically speaking) to claim his first win of the CX season at Herentals. At time of press, it was unclear whether Mathieu Morichon managed to keep this one upright. Wout van Aert sailing through the ruts. “Is there something on my face?” asks Laurens Sweecks with a grimace. David ‘the other’ van der Poel Thibau didn’t seem to have a very Nys time at the X2O Herentals Cross. Well, that was Herentals. Let’s hope that things were less swampy at Dendermonde.
Oh.
Ceylin del Carmen Alvarado made a splash early on at the Dendermonde World Cup round …… but was unable to stop Lucinda Brand (/Telenet-Baloise Lions) from storming to another win. Here’s a lot of mud. Here’s a Tom Pidcock. And here’s Wout van Aert. Look at him go! A contemplative Mathieu van der Poel. Quinten Hermans in the most black metal rider portrait I’ve ever seen. Pim Ronhaar, glazed with exhaustion. “Not now, Helene,” Marion Riberolle sighs as her face is towelled down by a mate. A bunch of bicycle cyclists that look like they’re about to fall over at any moment. Heinrich Haussler (Bahrain-McLaren) exits the one clean sector of the Dendermonde course. Van der Poel cuts through a puddle at Dendermonde … … trailed by Wout van Aert. Pidcock has been impressive this season, but it wasn’t his day in Dendermonde. He DNFed. Back to the front of the race. Look, it’s Mathieu van der Poel jogging through a swamp! Wout van Aert rides past banners for McDonald’s Dendermonde, an establishment which attracts the following five star Google review: “Kill me. This is the best Mcdonald in the whole world. Here everything tastes thousand time more delicious than any other Mcdonald place.” For balance, I’m obliged to disclose this opposing one star review: “it is disgusting to see the employee licking his fingers each time after preparing the fries.”
TLDR; I don’t know what to believe.Today I learnt that, and I quote, “Pauwels is a highly versatile sauce-producing partner. The range of sauces we produce is very extensive: from mayonnaises, ketchups and all sorts of special sauces, such as samurai, andalouse or tartar, to pasta sauces, wok sauces and various vinaigrettes.”
Meanwhile, Van Aert was getting a taste of some Belgian Brown Sauce.Wout van Aert’s final race on a celeste-painted Bianchi was a win. Pim Ronhaar after the finish in Dendermonde. Heinrich Haussler famously doesn’t even wear gloves in winter, so of course, he had a lovely time. I think. And off to Baal we go!
Lucinda Brand leads Ceylin del Carmen Alvarado at GP Sven Nys. By race’s end, the order would be reversed.No, Sanne, you *can*. Worst pump track ever. As a new year ticked over, Jumbo-Visma switched bike sponsors, which meant that Van Aert rode exactly the same bike but with all visible Bianchi branding removed. After being bested by Wout van Aert in the last couple of races, Mathieu Van der Poel got 2021 off to a winning start at the GP Sven Nys.
Here endeth the dirtiest gallery we’ve ever published.
