Sepp Kuss at the UAE Tour.

Well, I guess I’m dating Sepp Kuss now

Jumbo-Visma has a fan quiz that asks questions you never wanted to answer, with results that you may not expect.

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Cycling teams have a range of ways of engaging with their fanbase. Some of them lean into kooky sponsor endorsements. Some of them put together instructive videos. Others write and record terrible team raps.

Jumbo-Visma’s latest effort is an interesting one. It follows a familiar quiz format, and asks the beguiling question: who is your Team Jumbo-Visma Valentine? Up top, there’s even a picture of Primoz Roglic, presumably on the cusp of dating himself:

It’s all a cynical ploy for email addresses, so take the quiz at your peril unless you want to land on a mailing list offering irresistible deals on a team beanie (€23) or black tee shirt (€35).

Marketing aside, though, the questions of the quiz themselves left me with questions, so I think it’s worth flagging some highlights.

We begin with the culinary:

Five rousingly romantic meals, I’m sure you’ll agree. But while I can’t say any of them personally got my motor revving – with an especially hard pass on the stewed meat – I went for vegan fish and chips as the best of a bad bunch. 

I am not vegan.

Now, let’s talk the love language of gifting:

Taxidermy stray cat, obviously.

How about travel?

These are certainly four destinations – although, again, not ones that seem particularly amorous to me. But I am starved for travel, so I pencilled in a trip to an unspecified Colombian city in the hopes of a good time. 

No judgment whatsoever if you’re angling for a smooch in Legoland, though. 

Finally, I’m sure we can all agree that music is one of the most romantic arts:

I like the prescriptive language of the question here – more of an order than an invitation. The Boss gets the nod, in part because he is good, and in part because I haven’t heard of half of the others.

More particularly, in the case of André Rieu, I am not a late-middle-aged woman from the suburbs with a crush on a stadium violinist.

All of which leads me to a rendezvous with Sepp Kuss:

Look at him go. Doesn’t his hat look great. I wonder if I can purchase that somewhere. 

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